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Chaos Angel Spanner — Chapter 3: The Whole Point of No Return
Part 4: Party on the Boardwalk (Final Revision)
Part 4: Party on the Boardwalk (Final Revision)
31 august 2014.
boardwalk. It’s the last day of this year’s Bremerton Blackberry Festival. The boardwalk is flanked from end to end by vendor tents and crowded with people, all of them wary of any camdrones flying overhead. Right now a country-hits cover band is playing on the plaza stage.
Shira and Jennifer spot a familiar face and run up to her with arms wide open. “Karen!” Their mutual cousin Karen Kubota, a tall vivacious half-Asian beauty sporting long auburn hair, bright hazel eyes,and this year’s Bremerton High cheerleader’s uniform, runs up to meet them, takes them both into her arms, kisses first Shira and then Jennifer. “I’m so happy to see you two! I love you. I wish you could stick around all day.”
Another girl puts her hands on Shira and Jennifer’s shoulders. Shira turns her head to see her. “Hi, Colette!” Nicolette Rosewater, Karen’s best friend, is nearly half a foot shorter, has darker brown hair, and wears a yellow sailor fuku matching the one Shira wears. Shira hugs and kisses Colette, then hands her over to Jennifer.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” says Colette. She kisses Jennifer. “We’d still love you two to come with us to the Buddhist meeting tonight.”
Shira says, “I wish you guys could come see our magic show. The kids’ll absolutely love it.”
Their childhood friend Polly Parker, a pretty girl with long brown hair, hugs Shira and Jennifer from behind and kisses them on the cheek. She claims to be a witch with hereditary powers. “Sorry I can’t go see it,” she says. “I gotta go home so Mom and I can go school shopping while the sales are still on.”
“Oh, you’ll get your chance. Jen and I’ve got a lot more shows just this year. We’ll even give you a free ticket if you want.”
“That’d be great. Anyway, how come you let your Aunt Willa marry Jen? Aren’t you and Jen still engaged?”
“Actually, we still are. Right now we’re trying to provoke the Eugenics Institute into making a big fat juicy mistake we can jump on. They do that more often than you think.”
Polly looks down and blushes. “Well, my mother insisted on marrying me too.” She holds up her hand to reveal a shiny new gold wedding band of the same kind that Willa and Jennifer wear. Karen smiles at her and holds Polly’s hand in hers.
“So why would you do that?”
“Haven’t you heard, Shira? Those crazy Corporates are sending out headhunters to steal pretty girls they think [air quotes] ‘eugenically correct.’ So our mothers are marrying us to keep the Corpos from turning us into their breeding slaves. Remember?”
“Don’t you need to buy yourselves an Exception for that?”
“Of course!” snaps Polly. She takes a breath to calm herself down. “We knew we got lucky when the official started mumbling about Wold Newton or something and granted our Exception.”
Shira grins. “Isn’t that bit ‘ew’?”
“You know what, that’s exactly what the eugenicists say. They’re supposed to. They won’t touch a girl then. That’s why Jen married Willa. Right?”
“But of course.” Shira looks mock-sternly at Polly: “You know what you and your new wife are supposed to do now, don’t you?”
Polly blushes and sighs. “You know, I’m not really lesbian, not much anyway. And I don’t mind it if Rosalie makes love to me. I totally love her. But...” She stops talking and blushes redder.
Suddenly Shira spots Leila Shelley standing at one of the water-side booths, listlessly looking at a brochure. She wears a purple bikini top, matching short skirt, and flip-flops, revealing her elegant curves and pale skin. Shira can’t avert her eyes. As she approaches closer, her stare forces Leila to look back at her with beautiful sad violet eyes. Shira smiles sweetly at her and waves. Leila smiles back shyly.
Polly glares at Shira and drags her away with her into the crowd. She whispers, “What’s Leila Shelley doing here?”
“What was that for? You aren’t jealous, are you?”
“Scary Leila? Oh, no. But I know you, Shira Miranda. I know what you do to pretty girls.”
Shira leans closer to Polly and smiles seductively at her.
Polly pushes her away. “Oh no you don’t!”
Behind them they hear a splash. Panicked voices scream and yell. One woman says, “Oh my God, she’s drowning herself!”
Shira and Polly stand bolt upright, eyes wide open. They look at each other. Shira says, “You wait right here.”
She weaves, dances, and shoves her way through the crowd. “’Scuse me, ’scuse me, comin’ through!” On the other side of the booth where she saw Leila, she throws herself through the gap and over the railing, into the water. She sees Leila’s silhouette in the water below. When she hits the water, she reaches for her, grabs her, drags her to the surface. She plugs her nose, puts her mouth on hers, draws water out of her lungs, spits it out, breathes air into her mouth. Leila coughs. Shira swims her over to the nearest marina walkway and helps her climb onto it, then follows her up. They stand up; Shira puts her arms around her; Leila collapses against her. “I’m sorry,” she says weakly.
Shira catches her breath. She almost can’t believe the girl of her dreams is now in her arms. Her embrace gives Leila the will to gather back her strength and stand back up. She holds Shira tighter and looks up to see bright green eyes adore her. “Thank you,” she says in a soft Irish-accented voice.
Shira gives her a beautiful smile. “You’re very welcome.”
At the scone tent, Jennifer is picking up the scones for herself, Shira, and Polly when she hears a loud vehicle zoom down Second Street and screech to a halt. People leave the area in a panic. After the panicked crowd passes, Jennifer takes a look. The vehicle is an old white van, and four muscular men are getting out of it. They slam their doors. And then the screams begin. Stan Green and his gang of born-again musclemen, juiced-up former FSU punk-rock bullyboys now working for the Moral Enforcement Crusade, the Church of America’s religious police, are on the rampage again. Willa grabs an unwilling Jennifer into a tight protective embrace and puts herself between Jennifer and the Enforcers.
The Enforcers chase people out from in front of the stage and throw chairs around. The country band flee the stage, except for the worried singer. “Excuse me, but can’t we be nice here for once?“ she asks nervously.
Offended, Green points at her as if trying to stab her to death, and screams, “Are you telling us to surrender?”
His second in command, Vince Corson, sneers, “Only a girl would say that. Let’s teach the bitch a hard lesson.”
The band return to drag their petrified singer away from danger. Colette cries out, “Stop this! Please!” Karen pulls her away to protect her.
From Jennifer’s direction, Shira and Leila hear a horrible male scream filled with rage and frustration. They turn in its direction and see big Stan Green twitching in impotent fury as he watches Willa holding Jennifer in her arms. “Is that Willa Richter-Thomas?” gasps Leila.
“My favorite aunt,” Shira replies. “You’d better get used to this scene, ’cuz our so-called friend here ain’t gonna stop till he steals my cousin Jennifer from me. Let’s give him a great big welcome.” She walks away from Leila, toward the trouble. Leila stiffens in anger, hesitates, then runs after Shira.
Jennifer escapes Willa’s imprisoning arms and walks up to Green defiantly. Cheerily she says, “Stanley! How nice to see you!” Green starts to grin in triumph. Still smiling, Jennifer launches a hard kick into his groin. He falls to his knees, grabs his injured testicles, and whimpers from the agony. “I didn’t know you missed me so much, Stan!” She kicks him in the jaw in hopes of breaking it; he falls backwards and rolls around in pain. She reaches under her dress, takes a kubotan from her holster legband, and flicks it open to its full half-meter length.
“Blair, you fucking bitch!” shrieks Corson. He rushes Jennifer. She clobbers him in the temple with her kubotan, knocking him senseless. He stumbles backward and falls limp to the pavement.
Willa runs back to Jennifer and tries to drag her away from the Enforcers. “Find someplace safe. Get out of here!”
Jennifer takes the scones off the counter and gives them to her mother. “Here, take these, I need to find Shira.”
“Jennifer—”
“Somebody’s gotta teach these brats a lesson.” Jennifer runs north up the boardwalk.
Green roars, “Where’s Rebel Styles?!”
Shira appears in his face so suddenly he flinches. “Don’t ask me I don’t know sorry.”
“Cut the lying, Styles!” yells Corson in her ear. “Time to meet your Maker!”
Green launches a massive right hook at Shira’s jaw. She ducks and trips him. He falls backwards into the Enforcer behind him. “Sorry, got no idea who you’re talkin’ ’bout,” Shira blurts. Corson, still groggy, rushes her; she lunges out of his way and trips him as well, sending him airborne for several feet before he lands. She feints toward the other two Enforcers; they flinch but remain in attack position.
Leila runs to the nearest food booth and steals a large knife, outrunning the cooks who try to catch her. Corson finds himself facing her, holding the knife like a lance and smiling sweetly at him. He grimaces. “So you’re the bitch who skewered Reno!”
“He needed to die.” She thrusts the knife at Corson’s heart; he dodges her, then tries to grab her from the side; she swings it swordlike with her left hand and does not allow him to get close enough to hit or grab her. Jennifer rolls toward him and hits him in the ankle with her kubotan. He falls, grabs his knee, moans in pain; she hammers his tender knee, making him cry out; she kicks him into another Enforcer, then takes Leila by the arm and pulls her into the heart of the fray.
The other two Enforcers surround Shira. She extracts the yo-yo from its pouch and throws it down so that it spins in place — the classic “sleeper” trick. The Moral Enforcer in front of her laughs at her. “A yo-yo? You can’t beat me with a toy!” Shira jerks the yo-yo back up and flicks it forward into his nose, breaking it. When it returns to her hand, she holds it in front of her. The image of a wide-suited, vertical-haired man spinning his yo-yo next to the word “Relax!” marks it as a Go-Yo™ — and this particular Go-Yo is loaded. He holds his hand to his nose, then looks at it to see the blood. “You bitch!” The two Enforcers rush her. She spins the Go-Yo behind her like the man in the picture and sends it upward into the first one’s jaw, knocking him upward and out, then flings it around to catch the other in the temple and send him flying sideways to a painful crash landing.
Green charges Leila and tries to take her knife from her. Suddenly he feels a sharp prick in his gut; she extracts the knife from it with his blood on it. He stares into the beautiful enraged face and starts to mock about her being so pretty when she’s angry; but when he recognizes the terrifying Leila Shelley, he prudently backs away.
Now eight enraged Moral Enforcers surround three young women. Shira, Leila, and Jennifer are ready for battle but are not sure they can beat all these angry muscleboys. Four shots ring out; four Enforcers clutch their bloody groins. Willa holds out her smoking Beretta 9mm and shakes her head sadly. “Stanley, Stanley. You went to all this trouble just so I could hang a capital corruption charge on you? And we all thought you were moral.”
Stan Green’s Enforcers slowly retreat, slink backwards away from Willa and the girls, eyeing them cautiously. Then they turn around and break into a run toward the van. They open the van doors, leap inside, slam the doors, and spin around in a frenzy of squealing, smoking tires. Shira, Jennifer, and Willa return their weapons to their sheaths; Leila drops her knife. Green glares back at the women, shakes his fists, and yells, “I swear by all that is American, I’ll get y’all yet!” He leaps into the van, shuts the sliding door, and stares out the window at them as it speeds away.
The girls watch a small flock of camdrones fly away. Willa made the call to Angela, who threatened to bury the COPCO brass in lawsuits and paperwork if they didn’t call off the drones forthwith. Right now, Jack Becket is banging his head against his desk at the COPCO field office, punishing himself for allowing Willa and Angela to embarrass him yet again.
Shira runs over to Leila. “Leila! You all right?”
“I think so.”
Jennifer runs back to the scone tent to see Willa, Karen, and Colette. Shira starts walking toward the far end of the boardwalk, and Leila follows her.
Willa gives Shira the scones, then hugs Jennifer. “You girls okay?”
Jennifer grins. “Us? Yeah. Them? No.”
“Jennifer,” says Karen, “stop making me worry about you.”
“Yeah, Jen,” adds Colette, “please stop getting yourself into fights.”
She hugs them. “I love you guys to pieces, but I still need to pound some sense into that idiot.”
Willa says, “Go eat your scones, guys.”
Jennifer looks back at Shira and Leila. Then she hugs Willa and kisses on the lips. “Sorry, gotta go now. See ya!” She kisses Karen and Colette, then runs over to Shira and Leila. Shira waves and blows a kiss at Willa. Jennifer takes a scone and gives it to Leila. “Here. Have mine. You deserve one.”
Leila stares at her, stunned. “Thanks.”
“What about you, Jen?” asks Shira.
“I can always get another. This one’s on me.” Jennifer winks.
“I’ll go get Polly.”
Jennifer runs back to the scone tent. Shira starts walking toward the far end of the boardwalk, and Leila follows her.
“I feel like I already know you,” says Leila.
“How so?”
“I see you on MyTube. You send me flowers, love letters, naked pictures...”
“I’ve wanted to meet you for so long! I’m so glad I finally got to.”
Leila blushes. “Thank you.“ She takes a deep breath. “Do you think you could have handled those guys alone?”
Shira gives her an ironic cockeyed smile. “Gets easier every time.”
They eat their scones as they search for Polly.
Shira, Jennifer, Polly, and Leila walk together up the stairs leading from the boardwalk to the ferry terminal. Leila says, “How'd you get so good at fighting?”
Jennifer rolls her eyes at her. “Oh, you know, regular training, fanatical discipline, imitating kung fu movie stars — I mean, like, the obvious?”
Shira throws up her arms. “Why do those guys always have to barge in and ruin everything?”
“Gotta be their egos. They can’t be satisfied unless they ruin just one person’s day every day.”
“At least they didn’t ruin your magic show,” says Polly cheerily.
Leila looks at Shira and Jennifer in astonishment. “You two do magic?”
“Yeah,” replies Shira. “Jen and I’ve got an act.”
Jennifer winks. “Kids adore magic tricks.”
Suddenly a man spots Shira. The holy warrior sees the demon princess and girds himself with holy hatred and screams the Shahadah loud enough for Allah to hear. Shira says “I got this one!” and rushes off.
Polly asks no one in particular, “Too much WcDonalds?”
“No,” Jennifer answers, “I think it’s another one of Rebel Rebel’s fans.”
The suicider feels his upraised arm get yanked out of its socket as Shira greets him, “Hiya, baka bomb.” She breaks the arm at the shoulder, bends his elbow backwards, breaks all the outstretched fingers that once formed a tight fist. The terrorist now screams in pain. She slams him against the wall and kicks him hard in the groin. As an afterthought, she yanks the detonator out of his bomb jacket.
It takes her less than five seconds to demolish him.
Jennifer unzips Polly’s backpack and reaches in. Polly squeaks. Jennifer kisses her on the cheek. “Gotta borrow this for a sec. Urgent.” She pulls out Polly’s iPad and zips the backpack back up. She taps the tablet gently on Shira’s head. Polly gasps when it syncs.
Shira backs away from the terrorist, takes the tablet from Jennifer, and holds it with both hands out in front of her face. Instead of the smirking Shira Thomas, he sees the girl of his nightmares—
“Rebel Styles—” the holy warrior gasps in absolute horror.
With one voice, Shira and Rebel say, “Eat this, motherfucker.”
The picture on the screen speeds up. Rebel makes love to herself, her twin sister, several Yakuza at once, eats WcDonalds burger and fries; Nazi snuff porn victims come back from the dead to sell cars that eat people — the picture shifts faster, faster, faster than the eye can handle, Minty Fresh eat WcDonalds iPod dancers Budweiser frogs Old Spice dude Chuck Norris wave the Rebel Flag join the Army nuke the Wogs eat Rebel Rebel charco-broiled Toyota Madonna drive me crazy Chanel No9 Paris Hilton no Pocky for Hello Kitty rock me Rebel Rebel flag wave fag wave nuke WcDonalds eat Perez Hilton eat me Rebel Rebel beat me Chuck Norris so so minty fresh faster pussycat kill kill live fast die young kill Rebel Rebel crash crash crash — suddenly the screen dies blue and the holy warrior screams overloads convulses screams pain pain pain hallucinates Rebel Rebel twitches screams collapses, into a BlipVert-induced migraine.
Jennifer takes the tablet away, desyncs it, slips it into Polly’s backpack, then sends her away running. Shira shouts at the top of her lungs, “Everybody outta here, on the buses, off the deck, now! He’s gonna blow!”
Shira and Jennifer run onto the #29 Trenton Avenue bus and take the seat behind the back door. Civilians jam the bus entrances and run as fast as they can away from the twitching screaming terrorist. Cops swarm him, cut off his robe, cut away the bomb jacket. Leila takes a safe distance and stares fascinated. People pull passengers onto the buses; once everybody’s on, the buses pull away. The cops run away barely in time. The killer convulses contorts bloats — and with a loud sickening sound explodes, covering the area with blood and punching a hole into the terminal building.
On the #29, the guy in the back seat with a police scanner shouts in surprise, “Jesus Christ! The fucker exploded!”
Jennifer looks at him urgently. “You mean the bomb went off?”
“God, no! He splorched!”
She gasps at Shira in wide-eyed astonishment; Shira grins wickedly. Jennifer peers at her suspiciously. “Shira, you didn’t use one of those BlipVerts on him, did you.”
Shira laughs. “You kidding? I made my own. BlipVert plus Rebel Rebel equals splat.”
“You told me one dose of Rebel Rebel would be more than enough.”
“When dealing with their kind, too much is never enough. They’re all kill, so you gotta overkill.”
Jennifer stares forward, eyes wide open, stunned. “You scare me sometimes.”
Shira shoots back an I-told-you-so smile, cocks an eyebrow, and shrugs. “Hey, I just hate serial killers,” she sighs.
From the deck above the boardwalk, Leila watches the #29 drive away from downtown, across the Manette Bridge.
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[Revision 2, 6/16/11: Slightly expanded from first draft. Fight scene rearranged, Leila’s role expanded, iPad/BlipVert added to suicide bomber scene, text and continuity errors corrected.]
[Revision 3, 9/28/11: Leila’s scenes changed to fit her earlier appearances in 1.1 and 3.1; Karen now debuts here rather than 3.5; the first appearance of Colette (formerly Nicole) is now here instead of 5.2; some scenes modified for clarity and style; text and continuity errors corrected.]
[Revision 3.1, 10/21/11: Leila’s first Moral Enforcer confrontation now with Corson, linking to her backstory and 3.1; text errors corrected.]
[Revision 3 Final, 10/22/11: Corrected continuity errors in Shira/Leila relationship line.]
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