Chaos Angel Spanner — Chapter 12: Bad Girls Can’t Win
Part 4: Anonymity Is Freedom (Final Revision)
Part 4: Anonymity Is Freedom (Final Revision)
secret diary. I live a double life: one under the spotlights, one in the shadows. Two lives, two selves: one has a name, one doesn’t. A false self lives the public life that has been forced on me. My nameless true self lives in secret and comes out only at night.
I try to look different when I’m free. Still, I look enough like her that people ask me if I’m the same person who goes by that name. I tell them no. If they press me, I tell them that name’s only a role I play on TV. Anyone with the right look can play it. Usually they ask me what my real name is. I tell them I don’t have one and never needed one. I only use names when I have to, and never that one. I never ask them their names, and I never let them tell me.
What a relief it is to live for pleasure without the burden of a name! I can show my body to the world without shame, open my heart to friendly strangers, give myself in sexual surrender to any man or woman I desire, lose my self in love without fear of being hurt. I let myself be totally vulnerable. I let myself be hurt and cry without regret. I feel so much more intensely, feelings I’ve never even felt before. I let my personality rule me.
At night I’m one of the nameless beauties, living without shame or guilt or regret, with no need to be special or even different. None of us is any more or less desirable than any other. We go without clothes because clothes are social masks. We feel that we are the same, and we let the world believe the same. We give ourselves over to sensual pleasures and our sexual urges. We have even come to love each other for ourselves. These women are so gorgeous and free. I have fallen in love with every single one of them.
Can you believe abandoning our names and living anonymously has released our true selves from their bonds and freed us to live our selves passionately? This is the life I want to live. But when the night is over, I have to return to my daytime bondage. I feel like a slave! I long to surrender to the night once again.
I can’t live both these lives at once. One of these days, something’s got to give.
28 september 2014.
bremerton ferry. You know this is the way Ai-chan went. You know Nenene is going the other way. You follow your sweet loli-chan to where she ran away to find Shira Thomas and where she plays.
Back in Nippon you enjoyed a bad rep. But nobody in the Imperial Homeland knows you. “All them slant-eyes is all the same,” the hakujin say. You don’t care. All you care about is finding Aya-chan.
shira’s apartment. Leila dreams, blissfully unconscious of her nudity. She doesn’t know the covers have fallen off the bed to leave her completely exposed. She doesn’t realize Shira is not sleeping beside her. Her right leg is hanging off the bed, giving Shira a clear view of her genitals from the doorway when she returns from the bathroom.
Shira quietly walks over to Leila and looks up her sleeping body. She gently moves the left leg slightly more open so she can get a better view of her flowerlike lips. She slowly caresses Leila’s hips and buttocks and admires the beauty of her cunt. Then she lowers her face toward Leila and gently kisses her nether lips.
Leila suddenly jumps awake. Shocked, she stares at smiling Shira. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing your beautiful nether lips, my love.” Leila shoots back an offended look. Shira smiles at her sweetly. “What I mean is, you have a beautiful cunt, Leila.”
“Your cunt. Your beautiful frilly cunt. It’s gorgeous! You’re so lucky to have a cunt as beautiful as this. I’m so glad those Pretty City surgeons didn’t put their cruel knives to it!” She plants a long gentle kiss on Leila’s nether lips, then gently grasps the protruding inner lips and slowly opens them like flower petals. “Your inner lips are so frilly. And I love the way they stick out an inch.” She looks into Leila’s eyes. “Don’t you dare get ’em cut, Leila. They’re much better the way they are.”
Leila stares back at Shira for a moment, then says softly, “I never thought about that before.”
“Have a lot of people said you have perfect nipples, and beautiful breasts they wanna caress and kiss?”
“But nobody’s told you your cunt is just as beautiful?” Leila shakes her head no. “They haven’t looked hard enough. You’re so lucky to have such an incredibly beautiful cunt. It’s just as beautiful as the rest of you. One more reason why I’m so totally in love with your body.”
Leila says sadly, “But do you only love me for my body?”
Shira plants a sweet soft kiss on Leila’s nether lips. Then she climbs up onto Leila, holds her tight, looks deep into her eyes, and says softly, “Leila, you are your body.”
“But then what about my soul?”
Shira gazes into her eyes and smiles mischievously. “Here’s the great secret they don’t want you to know.”
“What is it?”
“The body is the soul.”
A look of recognition and wonder grows on Leila’s face. “But of course.”
Shira gives her a hard passionate kiss, sticks her tongue into her open mouth, caresses her nether lips with her fingers and then sticks a finger through them and deep into her cunt, making her squeal and moan through the kiss...
thorwald property. They sleep in the same bed, but wake up apart. Oliver wears Biotron-logo silk pajamas; Christie wears her long lacy nightgown and her bonnet. They are too devastated by the Governor’s rejection to do anything but sit up in bed and stare forward. Christie holds the bedspread up to her chin and thinks aloud. “That man is certifiably insane.”
“I can’t believe he wouldn’t even let the Admiral buy him out.”
“So what do we do now?”
“We can’t kill her. She can’t even kill herself. I don’t think even all the professional killers in the world could kill her. We can’t do anything, so we’ll have to let her do it.”
Dr. Tatsumi sings his name in the hallway outside.
“What is it, Mina?”
She peeks in behind the door frame with a mischievous smile, still singing. “I got a plan.”
“I got a better one.”
“Start a stock frenzy, sell my shares in the company, and take over CPMC.”
Christie gasps. Mina blurts, “Brinkman won’t allow it!”
“Brinkman’s gone political. That’s the number-one no-no. Somebody’s gonna sell his stock short, and that’s when I take over.”
“Really?” gushes Christie. “Are we gonna get married too?”
“With Leila out of our hair, we’re gonna have us a royal wedding.”
She throws herself into his arms. Dr. Tatsumi goes “Hmph!” and disappears.
bainbridge island. An irritated Drusilla glides into her communications room to greet the Governor. “Walter, why do you always have to interrupt my meditation?”
“Would you rather I interrupt your sessions with Ra instead?”
“What do you want.”
“I want the acquisition completed while there is still time.”
Brinkman glares at her. “What’s so funny.”
Her laugh turns bitter. “Do you realize our Leila is completely out of control?”
“Then bring her under control, Drusilla! That’s why I’m calling.”
“I can do that.” Byron Scofield approaches from behind sporting top hat, leather jacket, spiral-hologram circular sunglasses, and five-day beard.
“How, Shepherd Scofield?”
“All I have to do...” He lowers his shades. “...is speak her name.”
shira’s apartment. “We belong to a secret subculture called the anonymous beauties,” the brown-haired girl explains to Shira, Leila, Hope, Charlie, and Desiree in the living room, “or alternately the nameless beauties. Most of us had families and successful lives once, but we gave them up to seek the fulfillment and joy we never found in our former lives.”
The black-haired girl continues, “Without names, we’re able to live the desires of our hearts and our bodies without inhibition or guilt, something we were unable to do in our former lives. That’s why we left them behind, and our names with them.”
“You young ladies are obviously as intelligent and articulate as you are beautiful,” says Hope. “You have incredible potential. Which makes me wonder even more why you gave up such promising futures to live like this.”
“They were empty.”
“Sure, we had good times, good friends, people we loved,” the blond girl adds. “But we found we couldn’t live like that anymore.”
“This is how we want to live for the rest of our lives, Miss Reston,” says the brown-haired girl, “and we’ll never regret it for even a moment.”
Leila tilts her head to study these fascinating strange women closely. “You know, I can actually see traces of your former lives.”
“Did you know I was once an Olympic swimmer?”
“I can see why you gave it up,” says Shira.
The brown-haired girl smiles. “I do like having a pool here. I also still mountain climb.”
“Great! You can join us.”
“I’d love to.”
The black-haired girl says, “I used to be an interior designer with some success, and I had a family with a beautiful daughter; but I never felt it was the kind of life I wanted to live.”
“Does your daughter know about your new life?” asks Desiree.
She smiles wistfully. “Yeah. I still visit her from time to time. She says she wants to be like me.”
Shira says, “That’s so cool! I actually hope she does.”
“Oh, thank you!”
The blond girl asks them, “Do I look a bit familiar?”
The five of them study her carefully. Desiree’s eyes go wide with the shock of recognition. “Nooo... I know you.”
She grins. “Yes, Desiree, a certain famous DisneyPop SuperStar was originally me.”
Shira’s mouth falls open. “Whoa! Really?”
“Same one I owned Thursday night?”
“I laughed to high heaven.”
“Girl, I love you!” Shira runs to the blond girl and kisses her on the lips.
Desiree sighs. “Well, I don’t have much of a life to give up anymore. But come to think of it, never having to see my mother again would make it all worth it.” Everybody laughs.
“Say,” Leila asks, “how old are you?”
“Oh no, we haven’t given up our birthdays, if that’s what you mean,” the brown-haired girl replies. “I’m twenty-five...”
“...and I’m twenty-seven,” says the black-haired girl.
“...and I’m nineteen,” says the blond girl.
Leila says, “I’m fifteen now.”
“Hey, I was fifteen when I went nameless.” The blond girl winks.
“I was a teen beauty queen at eleven...”
“That’s how I fell in love with her, by the way,” adds Shira.
“We’re totally in love with each other now.”
“Cool!” say the nameless girls.
“Anyway, if I had found out about you when I was eleven, I would have joined you in an instant, and not even God could have stopped me.”
“Would you do it now?” asks the brown-haired girl.
Leila looks down and tries to fight back tears. “It’d be... harder.”
Shira puts her arm around her to cheer her up. “You would have been ‘the something girl’ that young, lover?”
“Explain it to her.”
The black-haired girl looks more former teacher than former interior designer. “Since we don’t have names anymore, we developed a few rules for what to call each other. First and foremost, to ourselves, we’re always just ‘the girl.’ Whenever we talk to ourselves, instead of calling ourselves by name, we call ourselves ‘girl.’“
“But when we want to talk about each other,” adds the brown-haired girl, “we need something more than ‘girl.’ So we call each other by distinguishing physical attributes we can describe in an affectionate or romantic way. Ethnicities are out, but even skin colors are okay as long as they’re like ebony or ivory...”
Leila turns to Shira in surprise. “They call you ‘the cinnamon girl,’ don’t they, like all the Rocker boys do.”
Shira gives her a beautiful smile. “I love you, Leila.”
“That’s your name?” the blond girl asks.
“Forget my name. I like your way better. What shall you call me?”
“Oh yes! You’re an ivory-skinned girl...”
The brown-haired girl says, “...and an ebony-haired girl, and...”
Shira turns Leila’s head to stare into her eyes. The nameless girls come over to see what Shira sees. What they see makes them catch their breath.
“Oh my god,” gushes the blond girl, “they’re gorgeous!”
The black-haired girl can hardly hold back her emotion. “Do you realize that violet is the rarest and most beautiful of all eye colors?”
Shira takes Leila’s face into her hands, gazes intensely into her eyes, and gives her a wicked grin. “You’re not really ‘Leila Renata Shelley,’ girlfriend. You’re ‘the girl with the violet eyes.’“
Leila gazes back with wonder. “I am?” She looks toward the nameless beauties. “I am.” Her heart fills with joy; tears well up in her eyes. “I am the girl with the violet eyes.”
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Copyright © 2012 Dennis Jernberg. Some rights reserved.
[Revision 4 Final, 12/3/12: Everything here new to the Fourth Revision. Shira/Leila love scene taken from the early-2000s Project Notebooks.]