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Chaos Angel Spanner — Chapter 16: Don’t Change the Channel
Part 5: Regarding Amanda
Part 5: Regarding Amanda
7 october 2014.
telesphere. All the shows on all the official networks break for a Special News Report. ESPNBC gets the scoop first and sends star reporter Amanda Currie to the scene. (Back at the KCUF studio, Shira and Sparks provide MST3K-style commentary.)
Amanda:KCUF studio. Everybody laughs, some to tears. Soon the laughs subside and turn into cheers. Shira clasps her hands above her head and shakes them in victory, then bows to the crowd. “Thank you, thank you. No applause, just money.”
Thank you, NewsCentral! We have just witnessed the most amazing scene!
(Sparks: “That woman doesn’t know when she’s beat.” Shira [lasciviously]: “I should spank her next time.” Sparks: “I’ll bring the camera.”)
The story reported live by Amanda: A gang of terrorists attacks the Wild Waves amusement park and takes several dozen children hostage.
Masked gang leader:
If you [expletive deleted]s don’t give us what we want, we’ll kill one brat an hour. So do it!
Suddenly, a black-clad man in a black motorcycle helmet and black leather jacket, both marked with the skull and crossed wrenches of Spanner, appears out of nowhere, swings a pipe wrench around on a string, and clocks the terrorists with it.
(Shira: “Looks like stage combat.” Sparks: “Not bad.”)
The police come in and rescue the children. Police Chief John Cameron Becket—
(Shira [cue Cornette face]: “Oh no, not One-Eye!” Sparks [facepalms]: “Did Vince Russo script this?”)
—shakes the black-clad man’s hand and congratulates him officially for being a hero. The man then goes over to Amanda for an interview.
I was wrong. You were right. From now on, I shall dedicate myself to fighting the terrorists. We can’t let them win!
(Shira [grins evilly]: “Let’s break us some kayfabe.” [twiddles Atari joystick])
Praise Jesus America! I’m Amanda Currie for ESPNBC NewsCenEEEK!
Another Spanner suddenly punches out the first one right beside her—
Deth slaps Shira on the back. “Hot buttered damn, girl!” he exults. “That was pure ownage!”
“Nah, that was just your typical WWE Newsertainment pseudoevent,” Shira gloats. “All too easy. Thanks for the bot, by the way.”
Alex asks Sparks, “You two were an item?”
“Sometimes I wish we never were.”
Sparks shrugs. “I lost my face over that woman, end of story.” He asks Simon, “If this was so Newsertainment, how come they didn't send their superstar Joey Styles?”
Simon points to the big screen. “Just watch.”
telesphere. The news channels follow up the surprise video with coverage, explanation, and commentary so exhaustive it soon gets tedious for all but the faithful. Much of the coverage focuses on ESPNBC’s red-hot superstar reporter, Amanda Currie. (Shira: “She’s obviously a very ambitious woman.” Sparks [rolls eyes]: “That’s the understatement of the millennium.”) They recap her life story in heartwarming Up Close and Personal fashion. (Sparks: “A complete whitewash.” Shira: “It always is.” Sparks: “You don’t know her.” Shira [winks]: “You’d be surprised.”) It ends with the announcement that she is the newest and hottest reporter on the Newsertainment Hall of Fame’s A-Team.
Next, the networks fill their time with testimonial after testimonial in which countless faithful devotees of Jesus America gush about how the “real” “Spanner’s” redemption changed their lives and bolstered their faith in Jesus America while hating on the “Spanner” who punched him out as an obvious impostor. Sparks marvels, “I’m always amazed at the power of faith to manipulate suckers.”
“What you’re witnessing is the real work of our Bastard Son of Rats,” says Shira. “He can spin his way out of any situation no matter how bad.”
The KCUF crew stare at the screen, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Deth says, “Don’t you get the sinking feeling we just got owned?”
Shira grins. “Hardly. That’s just his gambit. The game’s only getting started.”
8 october 2014.
Posted by LocaFantoma99 to MyTube on 11 August 2012:
A cat attacks a rabbit. At first, the cat chases the rabbit. After a short squabble, the rabbit chases the cat. A few seconds later, the rabbit catches the cat—and humps it...Cory’s house. The alarm goes off. Cory slams it with his fist and sits up in his bed. Leila rolls over, letting the covers slide off her breasts, and mischievously yanks the covers off his bare body.
The cat is Mikan. The rabbit’s name is Peter, and he belongs to Shira’s grandmother, the children’s author Eleanor Richter. Shira shot the video herself on a FlipCam. The soundtrack consists of angry feline meows and hisses, a lapine squeak or two, and the squeals and giggles of half a dozen children, including Shira and Kira.
“I don’t wanna wake up now,” Cory groans.
“I’ve got just the thing to wake you up.” Leila plays with the foreskin of his penis.
“Leila, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about Spanner.”
Leila chuckles. “He dealt that fake what he deserved.”
“Still, the man’s trying to hijack his image!”
Leila rolls onto her back. “Some people will believe anything.”
“C’mon, Leila! You don’t know how these people fangirl!”
“Yes I do. Now get down here and fuck me.” She throws the covers off her, pulls Cory down, French kisses him hard, and jams his penis into her cunt.
Shira’s apartment. Sparks shares breakfast with Hope, Shira, and Ayla. The girl giggles at the Furby’s sarcasm. “What’s it running?” he asks.
“He’s running on a two-gig Atom Duo,” says Shira. “Alex and Nick wrote the original AI in Ruby, but I rewrote it in Python running on Puppy Linux Embedded. Two fifty-six gig flash storage, no hard drive to suck power and add more moving parts I’ll have to replace.”
“I’ll think of that next time we start hacking sexbots.” Shira and Hope laugh. “By the way, do you guys always go naked in the house?”
Shira winks. “Only barbarians wear clothes in the house, honey.”
“I’ll keep it in mind to stop being such a barbarian.”
“Shira darling,” warns Hope, “are you really going to trust this man?”
Shira looks sidelong at him. “If I do, he’ll have to earn it.”
Sparks laughs. “Actually, I don’t trust cops.”
“Yeah, I was one of those cop-family idealists who believed in Truth, Justice, and the American Way, and I thought a badge was the way to do it, kinda like Superman’s cape. But then I got my badge and actually got to know cops. And what do you know, I find out they’re all on the make. They work for the Man and do his dirty work, but they all got other agendas. Whether they’re working for the Church of America, Chinese intelligence, or the Russkies, they’re all moles. It’s like Infernal Affairs gone berserk. So I too work against the police, just like all the other police in the Guild.”
“So who are you working for, then?” asks Hope.
“Right now I’m working for myself. Been doing that since I lost my face.”
She touches his face. “So what happened?”
“It was during a high-speed chase shortly before the coup. The crook decided to take us with him. He got my partner, my dog, my car, and my face. When my face was reconstructed, I decided on the newfangled ‘anonymous model’ style. Works wonders undercover, and I don’t have to look at my daddy’s ugly mug in the mirror.”
“And now you’re having sex with my daughter.”
“She’s awful persuasive, even by Charmer standards.”
“Well, you’d better be extremely careful.”
“C’mon, I work for a government that can’t tell the difference between premarital sex and sadistic rape. I used to do that frigid bitch Amanda Currie, for fuck’s sake.” He chuckles.
Shira says, “You mean that lamestream news reporter who used to pretend to be a thirteen-year-old to lure suspected pedophiles to NBC Dateline so that vigilante gang Perverted Justice could lynch’em on national TV for mad ratings? I hear that got her the ESPNBC job.”
Shira smirks mischievously. “She used to be our babysitter. Kira and I even tried to seduce her.”
“Is that right!” He grins wickedly. “I hope you got video. If it ever makes it to prime time, that bitch is over.”
school cafeteria. Kelly storms up to Shira and gloats. “I saw your friend Spanner on TV last night.”
“What of it?”
“Didn’t you see him? He saw the error of his ways! He accepted Jesus America! Praise God!”
Shira laughs at her. Kelly stares back incredulously. “That’s not the real Spanner, Kelly. You must have blanked out the part where the real one punched him out.”
“That so was the real Spanner! I saw him on TV!”
“Here’s a hard lesson for you. The first law of TV is that you don’t believe anything you see on TV.”
“But TV is the voice of God!”
Shira smirks. “God’s a dummy, and Satan’s the ventriloquist.”
“The Devil’s a killer impressionist. He’s got the good Lord’s voice down cold.” Kelly tries to stomp away, but Shira grabs her by the scarf and pulls her back. “Furthermore, Spanner does not like it when somebody hacks his public image. I’ve studied the man, so I should know. You hack his image, he’ll own you back, like he did to his poser on TV. You don’t tease the panther, or you get scratched. Got it, Kelly?”
“You’re crazy!” Kelly runs away.
“Crazy like a fox.” Shira flashes a wicked wink in her direction.
library. Sarah Jane Hatfield, beautiful, sexy, twenty-one, and a self-described Texas liberal in exile, is the librarian at the front desk today. She leans over the desk, fiddles with her fashionable reading glasses, and reads a large book on the counter when Shira enters. “Hiya, Sally!”
“Howdy there, redhead!” Shira takes Sally’s face in her hands and boldly kisses her on the lips.
“You don’t kiss a librarian on the lips.” Shira turns around to see Rachel Brinkman glaring at her, arms crossed.
“We’re good friends,” says Shira, “so we can do whatever we want as long as it isn’t illegal.”
“I don’t think she likes the idea of you going out with her cousin,” Sally says conspiratorially.
“How many times do I have to beat some sense into her?” complains Rachel. “It’s gross!”
“Rachel, sex is gross. I’ll bet money I can cure you of your sex drive when I tell you that women’s vaginal fluids are sticky and gross and smell nasty when they get stale. As for men, who knows what they’ve stuck their pink torpedoes into.”
“Shiraaa! Stop it!”
“Go away. I wanna have a private conversation with my friend Sally, and you’re not invited. You hear?” Shira rounds the desk, takes Sally’s hand, leads her into the nearest private study room, and locks the door.
“Sally, I’ve got a question for you.”
“What is it?” purrs Sally.
“What do you know about Amanda Currie?”
“The world’s cutest newsbot? Are you sure ESPNBC didn’t steal her from the Mickey Mouse Club?”
“Yeah. That newsbot. Has she done anything that deserves getting nuked for it? Anything unforgivable?”
“Haven’t you been paying attention? She specializes in outing dissidents and siccing the wolves on ’em! The bitch is no different from those psycho killer you guys turn in for cash, only she’s cuter, doesn’t need a Travelling Shovel of Death, and has much better publicity ’cuz she got pull, probably from sleeping with high Party officials. But if you want something personal, I’ve got one for you: A couple of years ago, I used to have a boyfriend. He was smart, kind, and handsome as hell. I thought he was the love of my life. Miss Newsie stole him and drove him to suicide.”
“Can you spare a name? Please?”
Sally struggles to remember; then the name comes to her. “Yeah! His name was Jim. Jim Sparks.”
Shira’s eyes go wide in surprise. “Really!”
“No, not really.” Shira hugs Sally and gives her another big kiss on the lips. “Thanks! That’s all I need.”
As Shira reaches the door, Sally stops her and says, “Nuke the bitch for me.”
Shira winks. Then she opens the door and leaves.
locker room. Shira attends sixth-period PE class so she can see Elsie. “Can I have a word with you after class?”
“Sure,” Elsie says.
After class, they go to the pool so they can use its girls” locker room by themselves. They strip naked, turn on one shower, and soap each other. “So what do you want to know?” asks Elsie.
“It’s about Amanda.” Elsie catches her breath. “Since you’re her sister, I wanted to know what was she like to you”
“Our parents always told me they only wanted one child. She was their golden child. She had the charm to manipulate our parents into doing whatever she wanted. But she was always nice to me. She knew I had a crush on her, and I think she liked it. But then one day she was a completely different person, like she turned into Miss Hyde all of a sudden, and that’s when I knew I lost her, possibly forever. You have any idea what happened to her?”
“I suspect the coup broke her. She didn’t like Lya, but I know she didn’t want her to die. And when she found out Kira disappeared, she just snapped. Soon enough, the Amanda you and I loved was gone, replaced by this stupid lamestream newsbot.”
“It’s even worse than that. She sold her soul. I’m convinced she’s turned evil.”
“Bad enough to deserve a good nuking on pirate TV?”
“And then some.” Elsie sighs. “If Sally said anything to you, she’s wrong. That incident with Amanda’s boyfriend happened after she turned bad, and I’m convinced she murdered him. She did steal my first boyfriend back in grade school, but I forgave her for that. But the way she turned on Jim and then on me...”
“Yeah. Hopefully she’ll see reason. If not, I’ll cry my heart out for her.” Shira can see the tears already forming in Elsie’s eyes. She holds her tight and gives her a long sweet kiss.
Mudlark House. Shira, Jennifer, Connor, Willa, Arisa, and Elsie watch Amanda Currie on the ESPNBC Evening News. Jennifer stares at the screen in shock. “How come that woman’s back on the air after last Sunday?”
Shira puts her arm around her. “Oh, it’s like contact sports, where you get hurt and the coach sticks a needle into your owwie and patches you up and sends you right back onto the field. She’s obviously a little shaken up, but she looks like she’s hiding it well.”
Willa takes the remote control wand, switches to the TV’s app menu, runs the DVR app, and chooses a clip from late 2012.
Amanda Currie kneels before Shepherd Drusilla AMERICA! at her Tuesday night revival and wails.Elsie turns her face, covers her eyes, and screams, “Stop! Stop!” Willa gestures with the wand, and the video window closes.
Forgive me, Lord Jesus America, I have sinned!
Drusilla places her outstretched hand on top of her head and intones:
Do you accept Jesus America as your personal Lord and Savior” Will you serve Him with your whole soul”
Yes, Lord! Yes! Praise Jesus America!
In the name of Jesus America, thou art HEALED!
Slain in the Spirit, Amanda falls backwards into the waiting arms of her catchers. She twitches and channels the Unknown Tongue...
“I think this was from just about when she turned to the dark side,“ says Willa.
Shira shrugs. “She can get away with just about anything, up to and including murder, as long as she does this afterwards.”
Arisa snarls in disgust. “You mean the bitch can get away with anything?”
“She has, and I’ve got more than enough proof,” says Willa. “In fact, I’ve got thirty-two clips just like this.”
Elsie breaks down in sobs. Shira holds her tight. “Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to bring her back.”
Jennifer hugs Elsie from the other side and kisses her on the cheek. “I think we may have just the thing to make her see reason.”
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Copyright © 2011 Dennis Jernberg. Some rights reserved.
[Revision 2.1, 9/12/11: Removed editing note that shouldn’t have been in the posted installment.]