Saturday, September 10, 2011

Spanner 16.6: This Is the News

...from previous

Chaos Angel Spanner — Chapter 16: Don’t Change the Channel
Part 6: This Is the News

8 october 2014.
Lars’ squat.
Lars Izquierdo has transformed a self-storage unit into a live-in war room for the Slasher Hunters. On the far wall, he has mounted nine widescreen monitors. Jennifer sets up her laptop on the nearby table. “I’ve been checking out the Rat Bastard’s greatest hits. There’s some mighty good ones here, but nothing compares to that resurrection trick he pulled off the other day. That was a masterpiece, and still he got owned.”

Peck says, “We’ve looked into Litton’s background. He’s a master magician, a master of public relations, a certified shaman, and has a master’s degree in psychology.”

“That’s a pretty impressive background,” says Shira.

“Before Rove discovered him and had the old Republican Party hire him, he was a highly-paid creative genius coveted by the world’s top advertising agencies. He helped Bush junior get into power and stay in power. He may be the only reason the Conservative Revolution didn’t collapse.”

“Sounds formidable. But that Spanner thing? That wasn’t so impressive, especially when the real Spanner crashed the party.”

“He spun his way out of that,” says Lars. “The suckers still believe him, not Spanner’s fist.”

“He certainly knows how to get himself out of a jam,” says Jennifer.

“Indeed,” says Peck. “Now do you know who you’re going up against?”

“How good is he at chess?” asks Shira

“His rating is two points above yours.”

Shira grins. “I’ll bet I’ve been playing him all along.”

“Are you sure he hasn’t been playing you?

KCUF studio. “I know that look on your face, Shira,” says Deth. “You look like you’ve been playing chess with the Evil Evil Doctor again.”

Shira grins. “I love a Challenge.”

“But this is the Rat, fucking, Bastard, Shira! He’s like the grand-poobah wizard of spin! We can’t beat him! Nobody can!”

“Pop quiz! What are the three parts of a magic trick?”

He giggles nervously. “Uh, I’m not a magician, so I wouldn’t know.”

“Consider this a lesson, then. First, there’s the promise. That’s when the magician announces the trick.”

“Mm-hmm, go on.”

“Second is the turn. That’s the trick itself.”

“Yeah, and?”

“Finally, there’s the prestige. That’s the illusion.”

“‘Prestige,’ as in the movie?”

“Bingo! Next question: What’s the real meaning of ‘prestige’?”

“Whoa, babe, you got me there.”

“I just told you. It’s the illusion produced by a magic trick. That, O my brothers, is the great and awesome secret behind celebrity, politics, and spin doctory.”

“You mean, ‘America’s prestige,’ what the lamestream news talk about all the time, it’s all a trick?

“Exactly! Now we know who’s been pulling the tricks behind Kingy’s precious ‘We’re Number One’ prestige. Let’s show the Bastard Son of Rats how we wage magic war.”

“Now that we know what kind of shit we just got ourselves into, how the fuck do we strike back” Anybody got any ideas?”

“I got some of those Amanda Currie temper tantrum outtakes if you wanna use’em,” says Simon.

Shira’s narrow eyes, sidelong glance, and sinister smile say Ratso, you’re pwned.?Hmmm. Now there’s an idea.”

Deth says, “Babe, you look like you got something up your sleeve.”

She grins. “Come to think of it, I do have something up my sleeve.” She unrolls the sleeve of her baby tee and extracts a microSD card. “I’ve got the five most coveted celebrity sex tapes right here on this little card. And one of’em just happens to be my girl Amanda’s.”

telesphere. Once again, a surprise awaits the faithful viewers of the five network news shows. Instead of the usual propaganda news, they get news entertainment starring the cute, sweet, and vicious presenter Amanda Currie, hair GIMPed pink, image jittery scratched, voice autotuned to a slammin’ Chi Sah Gang hip-hop backing track. And it goes like this:
Good evening everybody,
this is | the shit.
Hello everybody |
this is | the shit.
Everybody’s talkin’ ‘bout |
Spanner’s | back!
Everybody’s talkin’ ‘bout |
Spanner | he’s back!

music stops

This is the news.

drum roll, music resumes

Spanner’s back! |
He’s back in town |
When | he’s | in town |
he | don’t mess around |
He’s evil | ass | wicked!
he | be | the shit
He’s | so hot |
I wanna | fuck the bitch!

music stops again

You know you wanna do her. |
This is the news.
When the underground hip-hop resumes, the Amanda Currie sex tape begins. Before a digital camera set stationary in the manner of the old amateur porn sites, she’s on top of her male lover, aggressively attacking him. The iconic face of “Bob” replaces his own. (“Praise ‘Bob’!” exults Deth.) She taunts him, tortures him, acts like a complete and utter slut. His name has been redacted to protect his identity.
This | This|This | This|This |
This is the news.

FoxNews | FoxNews |
You’re full of shit!—
Suddenly the piratecasted video is replaced by an old-fashioned Indian’s-head test pattern, stretched to 16:9 aspect, complete with annoying high-pitched electronic tone. A male voice announces, “We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.”

When the news stream returns, the presenters sadly announce that Amanda Currie has been fired from the ESPNBC News Family for “moral improprieties.”

Denver. R.G. Litton and Richard Becket stare at a blank screen in the little theatre in Litton’s office. The Chairman says, “It seems that our friend Spanner is a more dangerous fellow that we expected.”

Litton grins evilly. “I’m game. Let him bring it on.”

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Copyright © 2011 Dennis Jernberg. Some rights reserved.
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