Spanner 18.5: Satan Oscillate My Metallic Sonatas

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Chaos Angel Spanner — Chapter 18: White Riot in the Streets
Part 5: Satan Oscillate My Metallic Sonatas (Final Revision)

nike arena. As the green smoke begins its descent from the rafters, Li’l Badd and the surviving members of Gang surround the altar: bassist Sikki Sykopath, drummer Barney SATAN!, and the guitar-torturing Hitler Brothers, Elvis and Jesus. A bloody and scorched Patriot stumbles onto the stage. Li’l Badd demands, “What the fuck do you want?!”

The Minuteman is one of Shawna AMERICA!’s pet Chetniks, a war criminal of the Yugoslavian civil war named Darko Dragovich. The Serb insists, “Pulse is here!”

“Who the fuck is that?”

“Hey,” Elvis Hitler remembers, “she’s that hot terrorist bitch, and I do mean hot!” He fans himself with his hand.

Sikki frowns. “Shit.” To Dragovich: “Another reason we need Satan’s help right now. The sacrifice must go on!”

storeroom. Daisy bursts in and throws the nameless girl a katana. “Catch!” The girl with the violet eyes catches the sword in its scabbard and draws it in one motion to Slice’s surprise.

“Who you are?” he demands.

The girl flashes him a gleeful smile full of murder. “Nanashi kunoichi!”

He snorts. “You think you ninja, but I am Yakuza! You no protecto Shibata and live!” Sword raised, screaming like a demon, he runs at her to slice her like Bunny. She deflects his katana with her scabbard, swings hers dangerously close to him, and runs out with Kira. He chases them into the janitor’s office — it’s empty. But he can hear the surf rock playing through the open door. He runs through it—

—and in the hallway sees his target and the nameless kunoichi locked in a tight embrace and staring at him. “Baka onna! You die together!”

The girl with the violet eyes puts her hand on Kira’s cheek, gently turns the head to meet her gaze, slides her hand into the wild red hair, brings their lips dangerously close — and shocks Kira with a kiss more passionate than she has ever experienced. With a shock Kira finally understands Shira’s heart.

The Jap stares at them with a look of growing rage. He feels his moral propriety being violated before his eyes, even raped by the sight of the lesbian kiss growing increasingly violent as these girls in black sailor fuku and berets slip their hands under each other’s skirts to caress and squeeze the sensitive bare buttocks, oh how they moan. Rage turns to hate, hate blinds his reason — he screams like a tortured demon.

The nameless girl pushes Kira back, clutches her katana, and faces him. She can feel his muscles twitch, the murder in his blood and eyes. She shall bring him his death. She smiles.

nike arena. Sylvia and Colette are terrified, naked, and tied to Gang’s satanic altar. Gangsters, Patriots, and hitmen bow their heads and chant ominously like Charismatic Catholics holding a Black Mass. They count on the fact that they’re being broadcast worldwide.

Dave: What in God’s name are they doing in there?

Deb: They’re summoning the Evil One to supernaturally help them kill Rebel Styles! Rock ’N’ Roll!

With Eddie Evil caught between sudden death and clone resurrection, it falls upon Sikki Sykopath to wield the sacrificial blade, the Army Ranger dagger Colonel Green left behind in his panic flight. He stands above the terrified yet defiant young women, arms out, dagger in his right fist. “Foolish little girls!” he exults, “you’re not gonna just die, you’re gonna be erased from existence in the name of Jesus America, amen!”

Colette shoots back, “Shira will keep our memory alive!”

“Ha! She’s just another stupid girl! Bitch is already dead, and Rebel Styles is mine!” He pulls down the microphone from above. To the long sustained “ho” of his fellow cultists, he speaks the invocation:

Oh evil Satan
oscillate my metallic
sonatas live — ho!

He raises the knife high, prepares the double kill. But then a child’s depraved voice joins her intonation to theirs. The arena’s holoprojectors switch on; their beams converge above the center of the hall into what at first seems to be a psychedelic cloud until it gradually resolves into a giant child’s head with the skin color and wild red hair of Shira Thomas. The unearthly aura of Rebel Styles scares the congregation into stunned silence. Due to the advanced holographic technology Nike uses in its arenas, she stares into the eyes of every observer and every camera. Into their bicameral minds she proclaims: “I am here!”

The green smoke continues to descend.

hallway. “KIRU YUUUUUUU!” As Dick Dale wails on surf guitar on the stereo in the background, Slice charges the nameless girl with katana held high to slice her in half, screaming “KIRU YUUUUUUU!” She stands in his way, like the matador waits for the bull. The sword comes down, she slips to the side; he cuts only air; he charges her but only lodges the sword in the lockers. She slips into the nearest door and slams it shut. Slice wrests his blade out of the wood and speeds toward the door, heedless of anything standing in his way and rages, “KIRU YUUUUUUU!!!”

Slice smashes through the door and trips over his opponent’s outstretched leg, falling hard onto his face and rock-hard belly, katana stretched out before him. When he looks in front of him, he sees a pair of beautiful bare legs in black fighting boots. The girl with the violet eyes stands swordless above him, over his sword in her black sailor fuku — and nothing underneath.

The Jap hitokiri grabs his katana, bounces to his feet, and raises his sword high over the girl’s head. “KIRU YUUUUUU!” She does not move; her violet eyes bore deep into his. He brings the sword down as hard as he can.

She traps it in a naked blade capture.

She holds the blade motionless between her hands and continues to stare hard into his eyes. He struggles to free his katana from her hands, but she does not budge and neither does the sword. With ever greater force he tries to force the sword out of her hands.

She kicks him hard in the groin, steals his big katana—

—and runs him through with it.

Slice looks down in shock at the katana blade sticking out of his gut, and then at his beautiful and cruel slayer. “Kusohhhhh...” he moans. His eyes roll up into their sockets; he falls over onto his back, tips over on his sword hilt, and moves no more.

Kira rushes in. “Are you all okay?” The girl sweeps her into a tight embrace and kisses her deeply on the lips. She sighs. “I take it that means yes...” The girl with the violet eyes kisses her lover’s twin sister with the violent intensity of all the love in her heart, believing that no matter how far away Shira is, she will feel it.

nike arena. “Let the girls go,” the giant head of Rebel Styles commands, “their innocence disgusts me. I need the souls of evil warriors drowning in blood. And you have come here just to die for me.” She vanishes and is replaced with the terrifying logo Shira pranked the opening-day Nike rally with, discolored flesh snaking and writhing like diseased intestines, growing larger and moving ever closer to everyone in the room to the nightmare sounds of a dozen hellishly distorted “Scream Gems” fanfares. They stare paralyzed with terror.

Dragovich discovers the green smoke coming dangerously close. He pulls on Sikki’s unkempt long hair. Sikki is about to punch him out until he sees the panicked warrior pointing up. Sikki’s jaw drops. He turns around, grabs the mic, and screams, “That’s Anti-Meth™! Run!”

Gang, Li’l Badd, and the Chetnik flee out the backstage entrance. The crowd of gangsters trample, pummel, even murder each other in their panic to leave the arena. The green smoke fills the air like a suffocating fog. Rebel Styles laughs sweetly and exults in her seductive child voice, “What a pleasure it is to see you die for me!” Some manage to escape, but for others it’s too late: the Anti-Meth causes them to convulse violently, bloat, and gruesomely explode. All through the arena, all around the altar, the green air fills with a rising storm of blood and bursting body parts and bodiless tattooed monster-clown heads. Still trapped naked and helpless on the Satanic altar, Sylvia and Colette scream and sob at the horror assaulting them.

The escaping Klownz are not so lucky for long: they are quickly mowed down by a huge man with Gatling guns for arms, accompanied by his comrade whose hands are chainsaw bayonets.

Deb: Oh faithful viewers, look at that massacre!

Dave: Chainsaw Goode and the Gat have arrived at last!

classroom. The nameless girl looks down at the Yakuza, a fierce warrior even in death, like a Sengoku Jidai samurai. Kira asks, “Did he expect to end like this?”

“Live by the sword, die by the sword. The only fitting ending for a Man, I’m sure he thought.” She recognizes the layout of the room. “This is our homeroom, by the way.”

Suddenly the wall explodes — Barney SATAN! is too Man to go through windows, much less doors. The nameless girl kicks Slice over and pulls out the sword. It’s heavy, half again the size of her ninja katana and twice the weight. With murderous dumb delight, the huge hate-metal drummer yells, “Diiieeee!” and charges. Kira takes a position by the back wall, Barney in front of the desk, the girl between. He charges her: “Diiieeeeeee!”

With a swing of the sword she cuts off his head.

The headless killer punches a hole through the back wall by Kira, smashes through another classroom and then two more; one final wall and he’s in the principal’s office, where he finally collapses and bleeds out.

nike arena. Charlie, Daisy, Jennifer, Rob, and Kio arrive backstage, just in time to witness the settling carnage before them. Colette screams, “Kio!”

Kio yells, “Colette!, you’re alive!” Daisy takes her sword, Rob picks up Green’s knife; they quickly cut Sylvia and Colette free. Kio sweeps the sobbing Colette up into his arms, kisses her hard, spins her around; Charlie pulls Sylvia up, holds her tight, lets her cry and cry.

Daisy surveys the carnage. “This must be the chemical Sana was talking about.”

Jennifer replies, “We mixed it up in the lab. I knew something was going on as soon as I got here this morning.”

Rob says, “Looks like we’re gonna have a little twin meeting with Honey Bunny.” He turns and runs back out.

Charlie commands, “Let’s get ’em outta here yesterday!” They follow Rob out the backstage entrance.

school entrance. The feeling is strange, her nameless lover sending all her love in full intensity through her twin sister, as if she were trying to make love to her through the distance. She lets out a long sigh of pleasure. But a man’s scream of rage interrupts her reverie; her attention switches to the Minuteman-uniformed killer rushing her with battle knife upraised, and she realizes she is standing among his comrades’ scorched corpses. “Focking beetch!” screams Darko Dragovich, “I am to keelling you!”

She catches his arm on the downstroke and throws him onto shattered glass from burning transports; he lands hard on his back, his camos and skin shredded by glass fragments. He rolls onto more sharp glass and hot shrapnel, screams in pain and frustrated fury; he leaps back up to his feet, enraged and irrational, facing a calm target with a mocking cockeyed smirk on her beautiful dark face rimmed with wild red hair, her beauty itself raping his Manhood. He readies for the kill—

—and is cut to bloody scraps by the chainsaw hands of Chainsaw Goode. The Chetnik’s death screams are almost unbearable, but Shira feels the masked freak’s pleasure at the kill.

Deb: (excited) Jesus America, they’re killing each other for the right to the prize!

Dave: They know there can be only one! (winks)

Chainsaw charges her whipping his saws about; she dodges, parries, and knocks him down with a leg sweep; he touches nothing. She leaps to her feet as he struggles to stand up. They stare each other down like Wild West gunslingers. Then suddenly she drops to the ground.

He is perforated by high-bore ammo from Gat’s gun arms. He falls to the ground, shocked that his own brother would kill him to cash in on Rebel Styles.

Dave: Don’t change that channel, viewers!

Deb: This is getting only more exciting!

She stands tall and stares down the advancing assassin. She knows she can’t dodge a real-life danmaku. She watches him aim at her the spinning Gatling guns that give him his name. She prepares to activate her reality distortion field.

A single shot: he suddenly goes rigid and wide-eyed. A small fountain of blood spurts from the crown of his head. The gun heads stop spinning. He topples over forward, onto the ground.

Shira looks up — Debbie? — she escapes her infallible aim and dashes through the bombed-out entrance back into the school.

principal’s office. Kira faces down the six principals. “So which of you losers ordered the celebrity hitmen to massacre your own students?”

Shira comes in with the nameless girl. The principals gasp. Principal Principal nevrvously asks, “Miss Thomas, is that a clone of yours?”

The twins hug, spin around, and share an unsisterly kiss. Shira smiles at the principals. “Oh, I haven’t introduced my twin sister Kira yet.”

Kira winks at them. “I’m supposed to be dead, actually.”

Shira points at Falconer. “See that terminally angry woman over there?”

“Mm-hmmm?”

“That’s Vice Principal Major Honey Sue ‘Honey Bunny’ Falconer. She paid the TerrorVision killers to come kill me and my fighting team ’cuz she knows I know she’s sleeping around with none other than Admiral ‘Big Al’ Fleer.”

They hear a woman’s horrified gasp behind them. They spin around: Charmian. “That’s a lie!”

Shira smiles. “Ah, yes, Charms my love, fact is the Lie. Turns out your mother shot video. I know ’cuz I got copies. Wanna see?” Charmian storms up to slap her hard in the face. She pulls Charmian into a hard embrace and kisses her violently, making the principals gasp and squeak; Charmian tries to protest and struggles to push her away — then Bart comes in, sees them, and screams.

Behind him, Rob laughs. He yells in his face, “What’s so funny, Shelley?”

Rob grins. “Your oh so manly reaction.”

“That bitch is raping my wife!”

Shira laughs double. Two of her sashay toward Bart, away from sobbing Charmian. They cross their arms in front of him and study him skeptically. His blood goes cold when he realizes who they are. Kira asks, “Shira, who’s this redneck barbarian?”

Shira grins at her. “That’s Barton Green, Kira. Head Boy chosen by Tournament and son of the heroic revolutionary terrorist who left us with his tail between his legs.”

“My father is a Real American, you traitorous mudblood whores!”

Kira asks, “Does that mean you really are competing for prizes on TerrorVision?”

Shira says, “Then defend your title, Tournament Leader.” They shift into defensive stance. He sees four opponents all staring at him. He thinks better of fighting them and backs away. “Like father, like son, Tournament Leader?”

“Damn y’all to hell!” He runs away. He doesn’t bother to notice himself on the hallway monitors.

Deb: Look at him run away!

Dave: Like father, like son, like she said. (winks)

Deb: Now we’re down to just one contestant. Who could the last one be?

“Now that we know why you did it, Major,” Kira purrs, “how much did you pay the producers, really?”

All eyes turn to Falconer. She goes red with rage and says nothing.

Shane: Pirate Television News, the only news channel that brings you the facts without the spin, is now on the air live.

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Copyright © 2013 Dennis Jernberg. Some rights reserved.

[Revision 4 Final, 3/8/13: revision notes here. Newly added from the Project Notebooks: the battles with Gat, Slice, Sikki Sykopath, and Barney SATAN! Original section title: “Knife in the Back”; the final title (from the notorious palindromic Soundgarden album name) signifies that this section continues the previous one.]