Chaos Angel Spanner — Chapter 7: Love Missile
Part 6: Here Come the Brides (Revision 3)
Part 6: Here Come the Brides (Revision 3)
10 september 2014.
school. Charmian stands in Leila’s way with a triumphant malicious smile on her face. “You won’t get away with this, Leila Shelley.”
Shira glomps Charmian from behind and says in her ear, “Get away with what?”
Charmian turns her head to see the mischievous smirk on the redhead’s face. “Living illegally in sin with you, that’s what. I can take out two birds with one stone, even.”
“Try it, Charms darlin’, and I’ll show everybody pictures of you and Kelly smoking and making out in the park at night. Besides, you can’t take away from me what’s mine.”
student council room. Charmian says, “Looks like lesbian rumors won’t work.”
“But lesbianism’s a crime!” protests Kelly.
“Kelly my dear, you forget we’re dealing with Shira Thomas, who will do anything she can to get away with just about everything, such using lesbian rumors to blackmail us.”
Christian snaps, “There’s gotta be something we can pin on Leila.”
Debbie snarls, “You only wanna destroy her ’cuz you want her brother for yourself.”
Lucy says, “There’s another reason her cousins hate her so much, and why her parents sent her away to Pretty City.”
Charmian peers at her skeptically. “Who’d she kill?”
Lucy smiles maliciously. “Oh, merely every single lover she’s been with, that’s all.”
A light goes on in Charmian’s eyes. “Well! Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Y’all didn’t ask.”
Debbie asks, “What if they find out what Oliver did to her?”
“Who cares about Oliver?”
Charmian throws up her hands. “Oh, just my father, and his father, and the whole Conservative Revolutionary Party, that’s all.”
“So you are marrying him?”
“My father is marrying me to him, if that’s what you mean.”
Lady says conspiratorially, “I heard Taylor Brinkman wants Leila to marry Shira.”
“The Governor’s already pledged her to Oliver Thorwald.”
“That means she’s already committing adultery, not to mention living in sin with another woman. We can nail her!”
“No. That means dealing with Shira again.”
“Murder it is. Let’s try catching Leila murder Oliver. If that doesn’t work, she can always murder herself.”
Shira’s apartment. As soon as Shira gets Leila through the door, they throw off their clothes, throw themselves at each other, kiss as hard as they can. Shira kisses down her body, sucks her breasts, grabs her soft buttocks hard, sucks tongues bites her cunt; Leila’s mind dissolves in sweet extremity...
Together they lie exhausted on the couch. Leila says, “I told you, you’re making a terrible mistake.”
“No I’m not. You in my arms is my fondest dream come true.”
“What about those stories, where Dorinda hates Reina?”
“Oh, that’s Kira. She was never really fond of you. I worshipped you the first time I saw you. And now you’re mine. Be happy.” Shira plants a hard kiss onto Leila’s soft lips; they kiss for seeming hours till they fall asleep together.
11 september 2014.
dreamspace. Naked and helpless, Leila runs till suddenly she can no longer move. She looks down to find her feet merging with the blackened ground, and the blackness is moving up her body.
Out of the blackness of darkness comes a monster. It dwarfs her, makes her insignificant, tries to pick her up and eat her.
Shira hits it with a mighty punch. It screams in pain with the voice of Oliver Thorwald. The pain shrinks it into insignificance. Shira laughs at it. Leila holds onto her for dear life and screams—
The Mall, Washington, D.C. To celebrate the Day of the Patriot Martyrs, the third holiest holy day on the American Religion’s calendar, Vice President Sarah Palin holds the most widely seen wedding of the twenty-first century so far. It is in fact a royal wedding, and the wedding is hers. It’s official: she is not marrying a billionaire Corporate overlord, a Conservative Revolutionary power broker, a Shepherd of the Church of America, nor a European prince. In fact, she is not even marrying a man at all.
Her groom is the true love of her life. She is marrying Jesus America himself — the Imperial Government of the Confederate States of America. From this point onward, the Vice President of the United States of America shall be known as: Sarah AMERICA!
The Vice President’s speech is followed by hours of testimony by major political, Corporate, religious, and cultural figures. Some of them parrot the Christian Revolutionary Party line; some say things that sound good but mean nothing; all do this to prove their loyalty (and incidentally clear themselves of any potential charges in case Homeland Security Secretary Radisson decides to pin Todd Palin’s murder on any of them). Superintendent Ross is one of the latter. Back in Seattle, his nemesis Hope Reston refuses to comment.
elsewhere. At the precise moment the President’s marriage to America is made official: on behalf of Willa and Jennifer Richter-Thomas, their lawyer Angela Coyne calls the head of the legal team challenging their marriage to announce her intention to overturn, based on the precedent newly established by President Sarah AMERICA! herself, all the laws and legal precedents intended to keep mother-daughter couples from marrying. The Charter decrees that United Corporations regulations trump national laws. The marriage of Willa and Jennifer is now perfectly legal, thanks to the President herself.
Also at that moment, many conservative women who worship Sarah AMERICA! as their holy prophet announce their intention to also marry Jesus America, divorcing their husbands if necessary or even putting contracts out on them, and change their own names to AMERICA!
At Cartel chairman Richard Becket’s golf-course mansion near Orlando, Florida, his brother Dr Henry Becket glares down at him. “I thought America was supposed to be a moral country, Dick.”
The Chairman puffs idly on his expensive Cuban cigar. “Sarah AMERICA! is one of us, Harry. She understands us. She thinks like us. She knows what true morality means. It’s not about sex at all. It’s about the future of our race.”
Grimly, the Doctor says, “But the entire basis of her power is supposed to be ‘morality,’ as the Shepherds see it. Not just sex, but specifically marriage, and traditional marriage at that. In one fell swoop, she has shattered her own traditional marriage in order to wed an institution.” He paces in front of his sitting brother. “The thing is, Sarah AMERICA!, as she is now so bizarrely calling herself, has just ripped her own base of support right out from under her. Surely her Christian base revoked their support the moment they witnessed this travesty. I predict our precious New Confederacy will not last the year.”
“Hardly. America’s Christians knew where their Messiah was long before the Conservative Revolution.” The Chairman sips his Chianti. “As long as we keep a corporation in the White House, we shall rule the Empire from its shadow. After all, we’re the experts at running things. The rabble know nothing.”
“You don’t understand, Dick. That woman has just undermined the entire tradition of Western Christendom. She’s just created a monster.”
school assembly. Vice Principal Falconer declares school out early and herds all the students into the gym for a mandatory assembly to watch Vice President Sarah AMERICA!’s speech. During it, Falconer and the devout girls of the student establishment wail loudly in unison in worship of her along with the adoring audience of Conservative Revolutionaries on the Mall. Honey Sue Falconer never cries except for the Vice President. After the speech, she gives a rousing, tearful, worshipful, and incoherent speech; but everyone listening understands what she means: worship Vice President AMERICA!, or she’ll personally tear you apart limb from limb.
Suddenly she spots the dry eyes of the Shelley twins.
Her expression mutates into twisted rage. She points a twitchy finger at them. “You two over there who think you’re so pretty! Why do you feel nothing for our beloved Vice President?”
Rob and Leila stand up together. Leila glares at the Major and says in her Irish accent, “’Cos everybody in Europe hates her, and you don’t realize it.”
Rob smirks. “Maybe you should ask her to really conquer Europe next time.”
Shira throws her head back and laughs.
Shira’s apartment. They watch the wedding of President and Nation: Ric Thomas and his daughter Ruby Shears; Hope Reston and her daughter Selene Carpenter. Selene facepalms, shakes her head sadly, and gestures her intention to leave early. “I can’t watch this,” she says.
“Your loss,” replies Ruby, jumpy with eager anticipation. “I gotta watch this.”
“I mean, how can that woman get away with this?”
Ruby grins mischievously. “No one can stop mothers from marrying their daughters anymore. I’m sure you know what that means.”
Hope says, “You know, Selene, if corporations can win seats in Congress, that woman can marry the government. You know what that means, don’t you?”
Selene rolls her eyes and moans in disgust. “That woman belongs in a rubber room, not a position of power.”
“Just think of it this way,” says Ric. “If Sarah Palin can marry America, then no one can stop people from marrying a corporation, sexbot, guitar, or an anime character like the otaku do in Japan...”
“Or,” Ruby adds with a wink, “one’s own sister.”
Hope laughs. “So when’s the wedding?”
“We’ll know when they announce it,” Ric says.
“Drusilla’s gonna have a cow and a half,” moans Selene.
Ruby sighs. “The Wicked Witch is capable of anything...”
“So what can we do?”
“What would Shira do?” asks Hope.
Selene and Ruby look at each other, then at Ric, who winks. Then they say to Hope in unison, “Misdirect!”
elsewhere. In Rome, Pope Paul VII denounces the marriage of Vice President Sarah AMERICA! to the American government. “Christian marriage,” he solemnly intones, “has always been between a man and a woman. Not only is this not a Christian marriage, it is not a marriage at all. No church of Christ has ever recognized the unholy union between a witch and an idol in defiance of God. If this is allowed to stand, America will have ceased to be a Christian nation altogether.”
From the American imperial capital, the Holy City of Colorado Springs, Vice President Sarah AMERICA! snarls back: “Heya, Popie! You think you’re a Christian and all that? Well, you’re wrong. Ya don’t get it: Jesus is BACK! He came back on July 4, 1776 as AMERICA! An’ now I’m married to the Lord, hallelujah! Just sayin’.”
Enraged, the Pope declares the United States of America a nation in heresy and forbids all Catholics to pay allegiance to it on pain of excommunication. A large number of white Catholics defect from the Roman Catholic Church to join the Church of America.
In Tokyo, otaku Hiromatsu Fukuda announces on NHK TV his intention to marry Aya Shibata. No, not the alter ego of the infamous Rebel Styles. The anime character. The one in those fighting and dance videogames.
Watching it on her phone, Shira says, “Oh, no he won’t.” When he actually does, she picks up the small plushie of NHK’s mascot Domo that Fukuda gave her in Japan. Recording the scene for her MyTube vlog, she first uses it as a voodoo doll and sticks pins through it, then rips off its head and litters her bedroom with its foam innards, declaring him officially baka.
In Las Vegas, a very drunken Elvis marries the deranged drummer of the hate metal band Gang to the Devil. He announces his new married name to the “metal militia”: Barney SATAN!
In the City of London, Chairman Becket grudgingly signs into law the exceptions that allowed mother-daughter marriages, mumbling imprecations against Vice President Sarah AMERICA! throughout. After the signing ceremony, he cattily announces on international TV: “Dear Sarah [clears throat] AMERICA!, thank you for ruining the entire the United Corporations’ heavily funded and scientifically based struggle to improve the genetic stock of the human race. You have forced us to improve the race through the impossible means of money and persuasion. It’s the free-market solution, yes. But we had a good thing going, if only for two short years. We remain devoted to the elevation of the race. To that end, I offer Dr. Willa Richter-Thomas one million euros if she will offer some of her impressive genetic material to our noble cause.”
In cities and towns throughout the American Homeland, Minuteman respond to the signing with violent riots. They lynch suspected homosexuals, liberals, and traitorous-skinned “mudbloods,” particularly Mexican- and Arab-looking brown people, in an orgy of organized hatred. They wage war against local police forces, with many casualties on both sides. Minuteman boss Shawna AMERICA! goes on TV to announce that she’s putting a billion-dollar contract out on Richard Becket, Incorporated. The Chairman threatens to outlaw Minuteman and execute them en masse for treasonous acts of terrorism against Cartel, Nation, and Empire. Shawna AMERICA! backs down and orders Minuteman to end the riots.
Despite the Minuteman riots, the signing is followed by another wave of protective marriages between mothers and daughters, aunts and nieces, and sisters. Liberal countries and states throughout the Empire begin to delve into their backlogs of applications for same-sex marriages. The Eugenics Institute can do nothing more than protest.
In Bainbridge Island, the wealthy bedroom community across Puget Sound from Seattle, Drusilla Becket bumps off her elderly billionaire Corporate husband, Albert James Pernell, after convincing the drunken old billionaire to redo his will to make her his sole heir. She also collects on a life insurance policy she had put out on him to the tune of eleven figures in deflated Imperial dollars. Immediately, she announces her intention to marry Jesus America as soon as possible.
In nearby Bremerton, Willa Richter-Thomas calls up the TV news cameras for a press conference in front of Harborside Plaza’s famous dancing fountain. In front of an audience of reporters, fans, and TV viewers, she laughs at Chairman Becket’s offer and says, “Dream on, Dick.”
Shawna AMERICA! publicly challenges Willa to a pistol duel. Willa sends her a video in which she demonstrates her excellent marksmanship with 9mm pistol, sniper rifle, and longbow. Shawna AMERICA! withdraws her challenge.
Drusilla’s estranged daughters, Charlie and Desiree Richter-Thomas, successfully acquire their Exception. They announce their plan to bring a Presleyan minister (Elvis impersonator, female, gay) to Bremerton tomorrow and rent the Kitsap Conference Center for their wedding. Drusilla takes the news badly. She screams over the phone at her eldest brother, Chairman Becket, for opening up Pandora’s box. The Chairman protests that Sarah AMERICA! started it by marrying the American government. But Drusilla is completely irrational now; her brother can only shake his head sadly.
detention room. The Team Bremelo central committee sit together around the table for an impromptu conference while under detention. Shira, Cory, Kio: racially incorrect; Chuck and Lyssa, sexually incorrect; Seika, Harumi, the Shelley twins: aliens; Jennifer and Polly: infidels; Karen: here to support them. Rob sits beside Shira; melancholy Leila has moved her chair beside him and leans against him so he can hold her in his arms.
Jennifer announces, “It’s official: my marriage to Willa is now secure.” The whole Team gives her a loud standing ovation. When the cheers subside sufficiently, she adds, “It’s officially an open marriage, so Shira’s perfectly welcome to share our bed.”
Shira runs over to Jennifer to hug her, kiss her on the lips, and say “Thank you darling. Now the three of us have to celebrate tonight.” She winks. Everybody laughs, even Leila (weakly). Shira runs over to kiss her. “We’d love you to join us.” Leila rests her head on Shira’s breast and sighs.
Polly says, “Now, what does that mean for same-sex marriage without a Cartel exception?”
“I can answer that,” says Jennifer.
Cory yells, “Say it, sister!” The kids whoop and cheer.
“Right now there’s an intensive and well-funded research effort into efficient means of fusing mammalian eggs. Once that can be done, easily and cost-effectively, even the Eugenics Institute will lose their excuse for prohibiting same-sex marriage. There’s even talk about legalizing group marriage once reproductive technology advances sufficiently to allow the creation of offspring from more than two parents. The only explanation the conservative religious authorities will have left for prohibiting same-sex marriage is their perceived need to preserve traditional male authority, which as humanists we oppose.”
Lyssa says, “But isn’t terrorism the traditional means of preserving traditional male authority?”
“Of course it is. That means we’ll have to keep our fighting skills up. Remember how much both Sarah and Shawna AMERICA! hate me and my wife. Sooner or later, they’ll be throwing their Challenges at us.”
“You mean like the Vice Principal and her pets?” moans Polly.
Kio throws up his hands. “Why does the Major always have it in for us?”
“Honey Bunny hates getting pwned,” says Cory.
Shira grins. “Sore loser. Speaking of pwnage, I left Honey Bunny a surprise on her iPhone.”
“C’mon, people,” exhorts team leader Karen. “We gotta stick together and fight this injustice.”
“Yes, den mother,” whimper Cory and Kio together.
“Karen’s right,” says Shira. “As the great American revolutionary Ben Franklin once said, ‘We must all hang together, or we’ll all hang separately.’”
Polly glares at Shira and the Shelley twins. “Then why did you have to pull that number on us?”
Gleefully, Shira and Rob (and, annoyed, Leila) answer: “Somebody had to!”
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Copyright © 2011 Dennis Jernberg. Some rights reserved.
[Revision 2, 7/13/11: Mostly unedited from the first draft.]
[Revision 3, 10/2/11: Corrected major text, continuity, and formatting errors; added new scenes dated 9/10/14; added new short passages for clarification.]
[Revision 3.1, 10/3/11: Omitted dream scene added, preceding scene edited and completed.]
[Revision 3.2, 10/22/11: Corrected continuity and text errors.]